You Made Me Alone

It was probably midnight by now, the moon was hanging so high and the sky was now sulking black. It was silent, yet so soothing, only the sound of crickets filling the air. I was sitting in my balcony gazing at the sky; looking at the stars, smelling intoxicating midnight air.  The Rainmakers- Lonely was playing in the living room.  

I gazed at the phone for a moment immensely thinking of him and felt my heart saying disappointingly “he has not called”.  I leaned my head back on the chair and closed my eyes.

 

It's been 3 months. 3 months since I've moved away from the house I shared with him.  I moved away to start a new life.  A life without pain, a life without sorrow, without agony.  Ending what we had together was the only solution that I found. I am not trying to forget him, just moving forward to start a new chapter in my life.

 I disconnected from LinkedIn, blocked him on Facebook too. Unblocked him... then

blocked him again. He rang up many times, sometimes I ignored his calls pretending to be strong and sometimes I felt compelled by my heart to answer his calls.

 My heart says one thing. My head says another. They are always on some kind of constant battle with each other. It’s really very hard to get your heart and head together in life.

My mind says, “This relationship is not right.”
My heart shouts, “Stay damnit, it will work out.”
My mind says I would not pick his call.
My heart says what the hell, pick up!

They both can't seem to communicate well with one another.
 
At times, I wish there was an ‘off’ button in my brain to tune the voices out for it to be deaf than comatose. I never felt so much pain in my entire life.
 
Sometimes I wondered if my friends knew. They couldn't, though, could they? Maybe yes, that’s why they keep asking me his whereabouts and I cleverly convince people that due to his work he stays out of station most of the time.
 
I have learned to handle the people, the situations, and, above all the fact that I am alone! All alone!

Happy endings are myth

The wind is blowing through trees outside and I wonder when I’ll see you again.

The moon is shining brightest tonight, but something still doesn’t seem right.

There were days when you flick my hair back from my face and I feel like I’ve been brought back to life. Now my hair is messy and always on my face, fragile, brittle, just like me, trapped somewhere in solitaire….

I needed to get up but my alarm forgets to buzz.

I wanted to speak out but my mouth is dry, without words, without lips, without a final closing kiss.

You are gone and I am haunted, I am trying to be strong, but it’s too difficult when everything’s going wrong.

 I can still hear you, as if your voice became every breeze and rock song that passes my ears, your footsteps ricocheting in my heartbeat. 

I can still see you, as if you were only gone for a moment and right back to me in the next.

And I can still feel you, as  if you never left, as if you were all around me everywhere i go, as if we were okay and the world was okay, as if the sky wasn’t missing a star.

My soul is missing a lot of its pieces and it's too hard to go chasing after them,

so I'll just let them go and pretend that I'm okay.

Because if I pretend long enough,  maybe I'll start to believe it.

Maybe there’s still hope for sun.

Maybe one day I’ll get over him. 

Maybe one day my love story would have happy ending. 

Maybe some stories don’t have happy ending, or maybe some stories have just blank pages in the end…