You Made Me Alone

It was probably midnight by now, the moon was hanging so high and the sky was now sulking black. It was silent, yet so soothing, only the sound of crickets filling the air. I was sitting in my balcony gazing at the sky; looking at the stars, smelling intoxicating midnight air.  The Rainmakers- Lonely was playing in the living room.  

I gazed at the phone for a moment immensely thinking of him and felt my heart saying disappointingly “he has not called”.  I leaned my head back on the chair and closed my eyes.

 

It's been 3 months. 3 months since I've moved away from the house I shared with him.  I moved away to start a new life.  A life without pain, a life without sorrow, without agony.  Ending what we had together was the only solution that I found. I am not trying to forget him, just moving forward to start a new chapter in my life.

 I disconnected from LinkedIn, blocked him on Facebook too. Unblocked him... then

blocked him again. He rang up many times, sometimes I ignored his calls pretending to be strong and sometimes I felt compelled by my heart to answer his calls.

 My heart says one thing. My head says another. They are always on some kind of constant battle with each other. It’s really very hard to get your heart and head together in life.

My mind says, “This relationship is not right.”
My heart shouts, “Stay damnit, it will work out.”
My mind says I would not pick his call.
My heart says what the hell, pick up!

They both can't seem to communicate well with one another.
 
At times, I wish there was an ‘off’ button in my brain to tune the voices out for it to be deaf than comatose. I never felt so much pain in my entire life.
 
Sometimes I wondered if my friends knew. They couldn't, though, could they? Maybe yes, that’s why they keep asking me his whereabouts and I cleverly convince people that due to his work he stays out of station most of the time.
 
I have learned to handle the people, the situations, and, above all the fact that I am alone! All alone!

Happy endings are myth

The wind is blowing through trees outside and I wonder when I’ll see you again.

The moon is shining brightest tonight, but something still doesn’t seem right.

There were days when you flick my hair back from my face and I feel like I’ve been brought back to life. Now my hair is messy and always on my face, fragile, brittle, just like me, trapped somewhere in solitaire….

I needed to get up but my alarm forgets to buzz.

I wanted to speak out but my mouth is dry, without words, without lips, without a final closing kiss.

You are gone and I am haunted, I am trying to be strong, but it’s too difficult when everything’s going wrong.

 I can still hear you, as if your voice became every breeze and rock song that passes my ears, your footsteps ricocheting in my heartbeat. 

I can still see you, as if you were only gone for a moment and right back to me in the next.

And I can still feel you, as  if you never left, as if you were all around me everywhere i go, as if we were okay and the world was okay, as if the sky wasn’t missing a star.

My soul is missing a lot of its pieces and it's too hard to go chasing after them,

so I'll just let them go and pretend that I'm okay.

Because if I pretend long enough,  maybe I'll start to believe it.

Maybe there’s still hope for sun.

Maybe one day I’ll get over him. 

Maybe one day my love story would have happy ending. 

Maybe some stories don’t have happy ending, or maybe some stories have just blank pages in the end…

ZODIAC SIGNS

(Last part of previous post Zodiac Signs)

LIBRA – You guys are the social butterflies of the zodiac. You always want someone with you, even to do something as simple as walking the dog. LOL. You have THE most best smile. You always look hot, even if you wear braces, glasses, bad clothes you still look hot. I mean I can't look at you without losing breath. Well you know how charming you all are that’s why you try to flirt with everyone. Like EVERYONE it's ridiculous.  Still you end up all alone. Why because you can never make up your mind. *Raises eyebrows*.  Yes, you all are painfully indecisive, sorry, but seriously you need to settle down and stop with the flings. You need to learn to fall in love with a person, not just the idea of falling in love.  Few of you have NOTORIOUS voices. I mean I remember one of my Libra friends only because of her voice. She has this habit of starting an argument just for the fun of it, because she love debating and she know how to push anyone’s buttons. *Shaking head*. But she is very sweet she never let anyone feel left out or neglected, and that is one of my favorite things about her. I guess all Librans are like that, they can even laughs in serious situations ALL the time.  You guys are so warm and so loud it’s hilarious. You love to love which makes people naturally drawn to you. You all make people feel comfortable and always give compliments. You guys treat people so fairly, I feel like I don’t appreciate that enough.  You are the whole package: brains and beauty. I wish I had your good taste in style. And also I want to steal all your clothes, *cough* you naturally glamorous person, you.

SCORPIO – This sign intrigues me a lot. I mean what a beautiful, fascinating being you are. You cutie!  I always wish to have you in my life.  You have got those eyes that consume me whole like a river swallowing and drowning my body, extracting the air from my lungs. I don't know why this is so, but most of the people in my life-‘guys and gals-‘generally fall into this astrological sign. You are my favourite always. Oh Scorpio please get out of my mind!! You adorable scoundrel, you! There is nothing more beautiful than a conversation with a scorpion about life.  You guys can look into other people’s soul, probably will rip it out of their body. You love knowing everyone else's secrets but don’t tell anyone yours. You are super-sensitive, private, secretive & possessive. But sometimes uncomfortable comforting people who are crying. You want to be in control of your surroundings and your environment. Okay. You guys are always awake, I mean do you sleep at all? Maybe that is the reason you guys look a lot like a murderer. Bwahahahahhaha! You are usually quiet, but some of you are loud and outgoing. You put passion into everything you do. You have a lot of goals in life and are very ambitious, workaholics & competitive. You are very sarcastic and funny. Easily get jealous and have a good memory.  You all are incredibly loyal and generous. Unless, of course, if someone betray you (real or in your own mind) and then that person is dead to you. DEAD *gives stern look*.  How mysterious you all are I means you guys should come with some kind of instruction books! LOL. Ok now answer me this isn’t it getting lonely? Tell me who left you so broken that now your eyes would cut deeper than any knife you have ever picked up.  Close your eyes breathe. The pain will pass soon. I know trusting someone is hard, but not everyone leaves. You shouldn't always assume the worst. And if someone leaves learn to be OK with this. You don't have to scream when you're hurt. Stop thinking you are more unlucky than everyone else. Don't be so aggressive with your affection, friends love you, stop worrying about that, but they would love you even more if you occasionally compliment them. It’s not that tough, showing affection is not that tough, try it sometimes, okai.    

             

SAGITTARIUS – I guess you are the coolest sign of all, so open minded, philosophical and adventures, so entertaining and fun to be around.  You are a traveller.  Every day is an adventure and life is a race to you and I envy that. I just wana travel the world and have deep conversation with you guys. They told you to stay away from trouble but honestly, I think trouble should stay away from you *toothy grin*. What a satisfying way to live, always ready to party & fun. I know you’ll look back on your life and smile because you did everything you wanted to do. You guys make people laugh even when they are having a bad day. You guys are so flipping happy all of the time it’s actually scary, lol. But you guys talk a lot. Always blahablahblahblah can you please shut up. Ok no, please don’t shut up because your voice, like it's so calming!! Yeah really you have such a beautiful singing voice but you use it more often for yelling at people or blabbering.  I means just calm down. You don't always need to be all over the place with your energy.  You don't have to say everything you think.  Sometimes you guys are very cruel with your humor, maybe you are hiding your inner fear. I know there is so much going on in your head that you can’t explain to anyone, and I just wish I knew how to explain to you that so many of your problems will be ironed out by time. Let other people help you when you need it. Locking yourself up in your house during stressful times will not fix the situation. Your friends care about you, so you don't need to be so secretive about your feelings and what is going on in your life.  I love love love how you guys get treated like shit by loser people who didn’t deserve you but you still manage to get up and keep going. And that’s the thing, keep loving life. You have many admirers. Appreciate things while they're still here. They’re also really good at distracting you from your problems. Commitment is terrifying for you, I know, but you know what opening up is okay, especially when you meet that special someone, with whom you have the urge to run away, stick with them because it will make you happy. *HUGS*.

CAPRICORN – They say ‘home isn't always the place with the welcome mat at the front door but home is an idea or feeling you get when around certain people,’ I think this saying suits all you Capricorn(s). Because you guys make the people close to you feel like they have a home in you. You guys are so honest and nice to people. You are like a big brother always protecting people with your best business or practical advice. You know how to negotiate and you all are very resourceful! I wish more people were truly genuine like you are my dear goat. But you don’t show your emotions much and some people think that you have a heart of stone and you are a little cold or boring. I wish more people got to know you that you are not boring and that you are actually the opposite of that and how funny and sharing you all are. Yes you are honestly the most-funniest person I know *hands down*. Also, you are very talented and creative and most people don't know that about you. And there is no need to be sarcastic when accepting compliments, you really are fucking beautiful. You have an earthy mysterious look to you that attract a lot of people. And I love how your eyebrows furrow when you concentrate *smiles warmly*.  But tell me why are you so cool and calm all the time? How long have you been faking a smile to hold back all the pain? I know you all are pretty good at handling breakups. But don't be so hard on yourself. Harboring a sea of anger is never healthy.   You know what you don't have to be good at everything and always have it together. People breakdown at some point and it's completely normal. OKAI.

AQUARIUS : I swear you guys would be the best person to have as a sibling, best friend, spouse, whatever. You are such a good listener and you warm my heart whenever we talk. You have a great spirit about you, you know? I love going on late night walks with you because you’re never dull. Your wide eyes and thoughtfulness are mesmerizing. You are a free spirit close to home and your love doesn’t go unnoticed by anyone. You people are really fun to be around because you are so chill & will usually be down to do whatever.  You guys seem kinda like a know-it-all but I think you do it because you want to share what you know so that others can know it too. Your phone’s battery is always low because you are always on your phones. Few of you speak loudly, as if you are angry or yelling. You are stubborn, but you are also kind and compassionate. You are like a rose covered with thorns, so no-one can hurt you without harming themselves. But you know what it’s not necessary to be sarcastic all the time and insult others. Not all people are bad. Sometimes people actually want to have an honest conversation with you. They actually care about you. So don't keep everything bottled up. It's okay to open up. I know you can take care of yourself, but thing is, you don’t have to. You are not alone. Tell someone that you love them, and ask someone why they love you. You'd be surprised at what they say *blushes sweetly*.

PISCES –You have got this look in your eyes, that makes me want to take your hand and never let it go. You guys dream the imaginary world of happy people and happy endings. You don’t like to read books by their cover – you actually appreciate personality.  You enjoy being alone thinking something or about someone or even talking to God. Yes you talk to God daily, please don’t lie. You speak of posies, whisker woo-woo's, and butterfly kisses. You guys always look lost/confused, and your mouth is usually open to some degree as well. You guys are the best shoulder to cry on in the world.  You guys needs a lot of ‘ME’ time to gather thoughts and feel productive. You make friends so easily, because you are always curious to know everything, and you end up asking so many questions *scratches head*. And your hugs, *swoon* your hugs are the gift from the God. You guys are little oversensitive. And by little I mean a lot. I mean if all of a sudden your Pisces friend stop talking to you it means you have hurt them. Be careful with your words because Pisces take insults very personally, and don’t recover from them for a while. Though it’s not possible to make a Pisces angry, because they are always happy and chill out. But if they get angry, they become harsh, stubborn, and basically cut off all the contacts with others and ignore them. It’s a little frightening, lol!  May I ask you this? Why are you so hypnotic, the way your eyes shine, OMG. Ah...Pisces! You are such beautiful people. People easily fall in love with your adorable personality and your crazy sense of humour, so don't doubt yourself. You are absolutely amazing, no need to worry about people hating you. You are such a cutie, but no need to be so emotional. I know you want everyone to be happy, but not everyone can be all the time. And tell me why can’t you forget them? Is it because they promised they would never leave, or a part of you still has hope, that they will come back? You know what you need to learn ‘how to forget’. You got the forgive part down but, honey, you gotta forget sometimes too. With a heart as soft as yours I think angels could fall asleep in your chest, but sometimes wolves find it amusing to dress like sheep and prey on lambs like you. Keep your eyes open for these people. One more thing why you are always sleepy, I mean, you guys can fall asleep anywhere or everywhere (how you do that? It’s impressive) *facepalm*.

P.S : My sign is Pisces :)