Time goes slower when your voice isn't around to soothe me

It was a midwinter afternoon. The sky was gray. The air was warm and cool at the same time. I was sitting on my favorite rocking chair on the balcony of my room, my forearms on my knees, head slumped forward.  My whole body was tense and my mindset edgy. I haven't worn make-up in days (what's the point it just comes off when I cry). There were so many happy noises outside. The faint laughing of the children and elders, the happy chirping of birds, the wind with rustling whispers, the dogs barking next door. But all I could hear in my head was his words, repeating over and over again.

“Shhh, Jaan.  Don’t talk. You'll be ok”

“Shhh, Jaan.  Don’t talk. You'll be ok”

My eyelids became heavy with slumber. I drifted off to the land where nothing exists but his voice. I was partly conscious, mostly asleep.  I had no clue what was going on around me.  My mind, my eyes, my whole body was in need of a sleep, in need of healing from the clutter and chaos of my life.

So quiet so quiet!

It was only then that I heard the main door creak open and a figure step into the room. I tried opening my eyes and saw hazy face of Mrs Khanna.  I remembered she came to the balcony where I was sitting. My vision started getting more blurry. I saw her lips moving, but I couldn't make out what she was saying. I tried to get up but was not able to move my body. I attempted to open my eyes but failed. I felt her hand on my left shoulder. She was shaking me and calling my name. I felt intense pain in my left shoulder that she was shaking. I cursed her in my mind for not letting me sleep peacefully but couldn't move or open up my eyes to tell her to stop giving me this pain.

She started shaking me harder and I fell off from my chair and hit my face hard on a tile floor.  Beads of sweat framing my forehead, throat dry. There was no energy in my body. "Help! Help!" I gasped, barely above a whisper. This all feels like a dream...no not a dream, a nightmare. I was feeling so helpless, so powerless. Gosh, why doesn't my body move? Am I dying? Is that the end? Is that the end of all the dreams I've yearning to come true? Strange warmth bubbles over me when I realize that it's all ending. Right here, right now. No more pain, no more tears.

But wait! I'm not ready for it to end! I can’t die like this. Please don’t let me die here, not like this, I thought to myself.   I tried to scream out for help, to scream his name, but only hoarse noises came out. I felt as if I was suffocating, air couldn't make it farther than my mouth. My heart wanted me to fight with everything left in me, I tried, but my body just couldn't handle.  It felt like someone was pushing my eyelids closed.  My breathing became shallow.   My soul begins to beg for mercy.

I know God is punishing me. I never cared about me.  I punished my body, I treated it roughly. The last few weeks has seen me as a headachy insomniac, mentally exhausted. I've been popping pills in me more than I popped food. There were days when the only food I had was sandwich and about 10 mugs of coffee. Hunger was an alien feeling kicked out of my system by stress. All my anger, exasperation, frustrations I took out on my body.

I began taking out my stress on myself. I had no respect for anything I really wanted in life. No respect for me at all! Now my body is taking revenge. My body decided to leave me just like all others. Trust me! Life doesn't forgive your errors easily. I was consumed with hate. I was so lost in life I didn't know where I was, or what I wanted to be. It looked like I would end up with no love and no life. I was completely lost in life. I used to be so strong. So strong and independent, I didn't need anyone. Now all I’m left with is a damaged soul and a heart that is no longer capable of feeling.

I started praying in my head, almost chanting. Please, God don’t let me die, help me, please give me one more chance. Please, God, save me. I prayed and prayed and prayed like I never had before, I prayed until my eyelids become heavy and no longer blinked.   I prayed until I used all my words. I began to think, maybe this is just it. Maybe this is how I go, how I die. Maybe this is my punishment for some of the emotional pain I've caused others through some foolish mistakes and poor judgment.

A few seconds before, the sleep that was giving me pleasure was now giving me pain. I tried to fight the sleep that was destined to come, but I didn't have the strength so I refused to struggle, and I let my head lean back on the floor and let the unconsciousness grabbed me into its grasp. I passed out. Everything becomes cold and dark. There was no pain, as if I was dead. The last thing I heard was my name.

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  To be continued...../-