THE RISHTA BRIGADE & ARRANGE MARRIAGES

(An old story updated. And yeah grab some popcorn because it’s a long, wild ride).

(Reva Khanna, 29 year old female, working as a Systems Administrator in Noida, very competitive with leadership traits, attractive and SINGLE. She lives with her parents in Delhi. Her only sister is married and settled in US. Her mother is trying really hard to hook her up with every single male walking the planet even the gay ones (Matchmaking).   Like it’s her mother’s only goal in life to make sure her daughter don’t become the maiden Aunt to her sister’s children or live alone. Reva has already kissed  many 'frogs', some of them turned out to be bugs, some bats, some turtles or even snakes too, but none of them turned out to be her prince). 

Mom I want to meet him alone.

(Looking appalled) What? Why? No, you are not allowed to meet him alone.

Oh, come on Mom, I’m just meeting him, not going on a date with him.

What is the problem in meeting him at home?

I just can’t meet him in front of the whole world.

Who's the whole world? It’s just his parents, Mrs. Malhotra (the Matchmaker), grandmother, family friend and a few others.

Isn’t that “whole world”? Who else is left? You and dad will be there too. Look mom, I’m fed up with this social stigma of “look-see-and-fix”.  Mere thinking of bringing tea, sit-down looking all coy, gives me goose-bumps. I totally sulk in doing this drama.

Stop talking crap. You are not someone special, it happens with all girls.

Mom, I want to meet him alone and that’s final. If you agree on this then it’s good, if you don’t then forget about my marriage.

Don't use that tone of voice with me, Reva I said no. Do you understand? N-O

Ok mom, I am sorry but please let me meet him alone. Please.

Fine, let me talk to Mrs. Malhotra.

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(Finally Reva’s parents allowed her to meet that guy all alone and has also fixed the meeting place and time. Reva was at work when suddenly her phone rang at 1 o'clock and it was her mom).

Hello Reva,

Hello Mom!

Well, I just thought I’d call and see how you were doing.

I am doing fine, mom, catch you later it’s lunch time,

Wait, Beta listen, don’t stress out, okay? You’ll do fine.

What Stress? What are you talking about? I am not going to the border, just going to have lunch in the pantry.

Arrey!! I am talking about your meeting with him, don’t get fuss just keep the things simple and…

Stop it mom! My lunch hours are running. I will call you later bye…

(Reva disconnected the phone and rushed to the pantry for lunch.  Her mother again called up at 3 o'clock in the afternoon, but Reva didn't pick up. So, her mom called up on the office landline).

(Phone rings)

This is Reva!

Hi beta It’s Mom! You were not picking up your cell phone so I dialled on your office landline.

Mom! What the ***. I just turned the ringer off because I'm busy working. What’s so damn important, MOM?

Sun toh sahi (Listen to me for once) I just want to remind you about that meeting.  Go on time and be cool and talk in sensitive tone and do touch up your makeup, sonii banke jaayiii (do look beautiful) and…

Mom, I have no time to think about that now. I have a boss to answer so just let me finish my work else I won’t be able to reach at SIX and yeah I will take care of everything and please don’t call now! Bye! 

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“Oh, moms- why you all are so crazy?” 

Anything serious! “A co-worker asked peering over her cubicle.”

“Reva grabbed her water bottle, downed a few gulps,” oh, the usual. My mom wants me to meet a guy, whose even picture I hadn't seen, and yeah I don’t even know his name.

Hahaha! Seriously?

Yeah, dude, I'm dead serious, Mom has fixed me up with a date for evening. She thinks I'm like either lesbian or just can't fix guys. And she also thinks that if I die unmarried I will become a snake in my next birth.

What? A snake! LMAO! But you know Reva its better to be a snake in next birth than to marry a sleazy snake in this birth.

Woh! This answer is so apt. I think I am gona copy cut paste your words to my mom.

Hahaha! Well all the best for your blind date.

Thanks! I actually need your wishes, or boss’s wishes, or my mom’s wishes. I need everybody’s God-damn wishes.  ARGH!!  I am freaking out!!

(Co-worker was still laughing).

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(Reva left the office at 5.30 for cafeteria).  

So, what do I do? I don’t even know his name, how he looks, how will I recognize him? “Reva talking to her bestie (Sneha) on phone while walking down the stairs”

Do one thing, you have his number na, call him and ask what he is wearing?

Who Me? Have you gone crazy? Why should I dial and ask? Can’t he do that? He also doesn’t know how do I look?

(Suddenly Sneha heard a loud thud).

Shit! I wish I could have worn sneakers. “Reva uttered a curse under her breath”.

Hey what was that noise, what happened?

Ugh, I tripped over my high heels.  Ouch, my ankle.

OMG, Is it sprained or just a bit hurt?

I don’t know but it hurts to move it and walk on it.

I just hope that guy is not around.

What. No way, O God! I just wish the ground would open up, and drag me in by my heels! He can’t be here, He wouldn't be here.

Calm down, Reva, first just go inside the cafeteria, have some water and then call him and check, ok?

I guess you are right. I will catch you later, bye!

Bye!

 (Reva stood up, walked briskly inside the café, bypassing people without making eye contact. She sat on the chair for some seconds and dialled his number).

Hello!

(Where the fuck are you) Hello, umm, hi, I’m Reva, my mom gave me your number,

Oh hi, I am Karan. Have you reached?

Yeah, I’ve reached, and you?

Yeah almost!

(What? He might saw me tripping down the stairs?) You reached? Where are you sitting?

I am still on the road looking for parking...

(Thank God!) Ohk! Please don’t take much time; I’m in hurry k, bye.

Sure, bye.

(Reva dialled Sneha’s number)

Listen, he was not actually here to witness my embarrassment. I mean he reached but he is outside still looking for parking. You know his voice is so damn cute!

Woh! I’m sure he’s gonna look cute too.

Yeah! Fingers crossed and legs even, oh shit this pain...!

Relax darling, just few minutes more.

Yeah...Hey it’s his call in waiting, will call you back k bye!

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Hey Reva, can you do me a favour?

Yeah, tell me.

The parking lot is packed. We have to move somewhere else. My car is right across the cafe, black swift, number : 2222.

(Dude, I just fell down ten minutes before and not even able to walk and you want me to come out with that broken ankle! Could this day really get any worse?) Oh no, look at the time.

Yeah I, I understand, but I won’t take more than 10 minutes of yours.

Uhh, well! My Mom’s phone is in waiting, I will ask her and then I will let you know.

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Hi, mom.

Reva? Oh kithe hai tu?? Pujhii yaa ni?? Kuchh das taa hunn (Where are you? Reached or not? What happened?) Where is he, is he sitting nearby, ok so you can’t answer, fine, than tell me in simple yes and no...Is he good looking? Is he...

Mom, breathe, you are talking too fast. He has not reached yet. Parking problem. Now we have to go to some other place. He is waiting outside in his car for me.

Then what’s the problem go.

I can’t. I just fall down from the stairs and my right ankle is aching, I can’t even walk properly.

You’re a tough cookie, honey. You’re fine. Come on be brave and go.

(Fuck it’s no use talking to you) Fine, I’m going…bye

No, no don’t disconnect, be on the phone with me at the same time you go.

*Bangs head* Mom you are just so urrgghhh!!!  (Cut the call)

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(Reva called Sneha)

 Hey, listen what do I do?

What happened now? Have you met him?

Not yet, parking is full. We have to go to some other place. He is waiting for me outside.

Then go!

How? I can’t even walk properly, my aching feet.

Ohk, listen don’t go from the front, instead go from back and walk hiding yourself behind some tall or fatty person.

What do you mean? I will stand there and wait for some taller or fatty person to pass through first...You so fucking, I swear.

(Laughing) Hey honey relax, my idea is that you gona hide yourself after someone’s big ass.

Hmm!! Okay I will do that, k bye

Bye and all the best.

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(Reva walked out of the cafe, watching her step but because of pain she was shaking. She saw his car. He was sitting inside it with the door open, he looks ok. The moment he saw her coming, he came out of the car and opened the gate for her smiling; she smiled back and sat inside. He gunned the engine and they were off to some ‘un-planned’ destination.) 

Well, hi. Nice to finally meet!

Agreed! “Reva said with an artificial smile, trying to mentally swallow the fact that now she had to spend the next one hour with this person”. Where are we going?

I know a good place close by. He responded.

(He parked his car at the side road of some South Indian Restaurant. She stepped out slowly, till now her foot was swollen and she was walking like a drunk penguin).

What the hell I look drunk...is it a bad sign or good? Oh dear god! Save me. “Reva mumbled under her breath.”

Is there any problem in your foot? “He asked, looking confused”.

“oh yeah, you know what when I saw you coming, I ran like Kajol ran in DDLJ with my high heels and I fell like a chopped tree in front of all and sprained my foot” Oh! It’s just a normal leg cramp, not to worry.

(They walked over to a table for two. The waiter approached)

So what would you like to have? “He asked, placing the menu down”.

I will have one Pine apple Juice.

1 Masala Dosa and 2 Pine apple juices, please.

(He gave the order, their food came).

So you like the south Indian food? Reva asked.

Yes, a lot specially the coconut chutney.

Hmm. “Reva muttered, and pulled out her phone”.

(I'm surprised Mum hasn't called me yet, and it's been an hour since I last talked to her. Probably, she is busy watching some saas-bahu serial. Reva thought, putting her phone back in her bag).

So what do you want to know about me? Reva asked.

Nothing!

(Eyebrows raised!) What?

Yeah it was your plan to meet, I guess.

And you are comfortable marrying any xyz, without even meeting. What an awful, cynical perspective! Is this the 19th century?

Well, I saw your photographs and I liked you. My mom has even shown our horoscopes to one of the astrologers and we are compatible for each other. So my mom planned for a family meet up for further talks. But you wanted to meet alone.

Yeah I wanted to meet alone because I can’t marry any XYZ only on the basis of photographs or because of some astrologically compatibility. I don’t even know your profession. And I’m sure you don’t know anything about me, except this that my name is Reva.

Well, I want to know more about you Reva, your likes your hobbies everything, and about me I am 29, a fashion designer. I have my own Production unit in Gurgaon. I'm an only child. I earn enough so I don't want my wife to work in future.

(What? Are we in the medieval times? This is insane!) Well, I don't think that suits me and also I still plan on waiting till maybe 33, 35. There’s no rush.  “Reva said trying hard to control her anger”.

[Awkward silence]

Then W....Why did you wanted to meet me? “The boy asked shockingly”.

(Please, you’re suffocating me). Because, my parents insisted, and I’m sure they are not aware that you don’t like career oriented girls. So what is the point talking it any further? Let’s call it off. And yeah one more thing I am a MCA and MCSE, working for an MNC, I earn double of what you earn from your production unit. I can easily afford an apartment of my own, in case you plan on sitting at home after marriage. Well thank you for a wonderful evening.

(Then, without further ado, Reva turned on her heels and stomped out of the restaurant, leaving him perplexed).

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(Reva’s mom opened the door).

So, how was it? She questioned excitedly.

Eh. Bad! NO CHEMISTRY at all!  (Reva mumbled kicking off her high heels and throwing herself on the sofa).

(Looking quizzical) Bad? What the hell do you mean? I want to know everything, tell me step by step, how was he looking?

Ok, ok.

What was he wearing?

Some white shirt and some trouser.

How tall is he?

5.7” maybe.

5.7? But Mrs. Malhotra told me he is 5.10. Anyway how was he looking at you?

Lustfully!

What?

Mommm!! I JUST got home and you're not EVEN gonna let me rest for five minutes?

You were not ploughing in the field. You were just sitting and eating in the restaurant.

I don’t eat anything. That duffer took me to some south Indian restaurant and you know how much I hate the smell of coconut. I’m so hungry. Give me something to eat?

(Her mom went to kitchen and cooked some sandwiches for her.  After giving her sandwiches to eat, her mom sat on the chair in front of her).

Mom, stop counting my bites? (Reva said munching on sandwich).

I’m not counting I am just waiting for you to finish it.

Can you please bring me a glass of water?

Are your hands broken? Get it yourself! I'm not your maid!  I wonder where I went wrong as a mother.

(Munch, munch, munch munch) Oh God, ma, don't be so dramatic.

You think this is drama. When you get to be my age, you'll understand the pain of unmarried young daughter.

Ok I’m sorry, I will take water myself.  You know what mom, you didn't even ask about my foot. Look it’s so swollen.

Oh, did that hurt?

It stung, mom.

Take ibuprofen with water you will be ok.

Hmm!

(Silence)

So now tell me what happened?

There's nothing to tell, mom!

Reva  I don’t understand why you’re avoiding my questions. What is wrong with the boy? He’s 29, drop-dead gorgeous, a fashion designer, and stinking rich. And you know what that means?

It means simple, I don’t like him. He is irrational male chauvinist pig, who wants to marry a stay-at-home girl. And yeah, his package didn’t feel big at all. He definitely wasn’t worth it.

Look Reva, get your head back from the clouds and come back to earth. Time is running out of your hand. You're not getting any younger. Look at your hair. I can easily spot gray ones.  

Stop it mom, it’s my new hair colour.

(In an exasperated voice) What? Why would you do that without my permission? Isn't it time you got responsible? I am sick and tired of your attitude.

Chill it mom, it’s just a temporary hair colour. And I understand your concerns for me but I can’t rush into marriage only because of a certain timeline or deadline. And I don’t think I would die if I turned 30, UNMARRIED.

You have an answer for everything, don't you?

No mom, I am just trying to tell you that spending whole life with some parasite is not easy.

Great, so according to your theory your dad is also a parasite (Sunaya tussi tyano parasite bola di hai) “you listening she called you a Parasite.”

Mom, I did not mean it that way. I just want to tell you that time is changed.

What do you mean “time is changed?” Oh my God Reva, you mean, you like girls, tell me you love Sneha, don’t you? Tell me honestly, I will talk to her mom and dad for you.

(Laughs hysterically) Mom, you are so cute! Yes, I love Sneha a lot, please talk to her parents, please mom I beg you.

Stop it Reva.

You started it na. And you can’t even understand a good humor? Look mom I swear on a stack of Gitas, I have nothing against marriage. It is a totally cool institution, lot of fun and joy. Some day, I want to get married too. I Promise. But please give me my own sweet time to decide whom to marry. Trust me, mom. I won't let you down.

(After a long pause) okay do what you want to do. I will not force you. 

(Her Mother sighs and mumbles something incoherent under her breath and went towards her room, to call Mrs. Malhotra and to fix up another ‘Rishta-meeting” for her daughter).

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These arranged marriages I tell you take the shit out of you. Fall in love and get married without doing all this drama. No, wait, actually there is drama in love marriages too. So I guess stay single, because a drama-free marriage is not possible. Or else marry when YOU'RE ready.  Because it's going to be you waking up beside this person for the rest of your life, if you don’t want that, then don’t be bullied into it. Your life belongs to YOU. Not your parents, not your spouse. You’ll never make everyone happy. Take it from me – it’s rarely possible.